Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My life is pants optional.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
