I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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