how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
