I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
