Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
