if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
