You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
