Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he fucked my hip out of place.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
