I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
