Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
