My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
