it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
