You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
