I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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