He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
