I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
