God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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