Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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