I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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