Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
