New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
