Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
