just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
