im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
