Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
