The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize