I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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