Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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