Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
