I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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