I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you didnt know i had herpes?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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