Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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