He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
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