Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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