I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
