i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
