turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
