I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
