We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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