Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
