I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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