I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
