Got a toothbrush?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
