You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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