booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
