What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
