OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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