Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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