apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
