PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
