So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
