i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
