somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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