my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
