i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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